You Might Be a Momma If…

Remember Jeff Foxworthy’s bit on “You might be a Redneck if…”? Well, the other day I was at the gym waiting for my step class to begin when I put my hands in my pockets. My fingertips grazed over a very familiar object and despite the fact that my child was rooms away in the childcare center and these clothes were just put on, I pulled out one of his pacifiers. I laughed to myself saying, “Ha! You know you’re a mom when you never leave home without a binky.” This got me thinking about ALL the ways one could qualify for being a Momma.

You Might Be a Momma If:

• You’ve watched enough children’s programming to start wondering “Where the hell are Max & Ruby’s parents?” and can perform the entire choreographed end-sequence from The Fresh Beat Band.
• You could care less about what you look like in public just as long as you can run an errand ALONE.
• A good, solid, uninterrupted night’s sleep is more valuable to you than the Crown Jewels.
• You referred to your time at the hospital post the births of subsequent children as “your stay at The Hotel Baystate” because you were able to lounge around all day, got room service, and had zero responsibilities.
• ...You requested to stay the maximum amount allowed at “The Hotel Baystate” in order to take advantage of the previous-stated “amenities”.
• You throw up a little bit in your mouth every time you see the feet of an adult, but marvel at your baby’s tootsies daily.

• A trip to “The Lady Doctor” now qualifies as “Me Time”.
• The sights and smells of poop & puke no longer faze you.
• Your recycling bin is now considered a whimsical treasure trove full of rainy day craft possibilities.
• You realize that there is nothing sexier than your husband folding mountains of laundry unsolicited.
• You’ve experienced more exhilaration witnessing your babies’ first smiles than any amusement attraction you’ve ever ridden on.

• Professional photography sessions are no longer like an afternoon at Glamour Shots. Now you simply pray that you can get at least one good picture that doesn’t feature your kids crying, spitting up, fighting, or looking at anything except the actual camera.
• Date night now consists of PJs, Chinese takeout, and an episode of “The Office” and is soooooo much better than any dressy, 5-star joint and movie.
• Nothing and no one in your home is safe from the wrath, curiosity, and energy of your toddler.
• You are now painfully aware of how narrow parking spaces are when you are trying to squeeze your infant car seat in and out of your vehicle.
• You’ve considered purchasing stock in Duracell and Pampers based off of the excessive consumption of their products in your house alone.
• You’ve waved the white flag of tidiness in the “Battle Against Clutter & Disarray of the Playroom”.
• You now appreciate the value of a good bib, burp cloth, and/or baby sock that actually stays on your infant’s foot.
• You would eagerly sign a petition requesting that all public venues provide up-close parking for “Parents of Small Children” next to the handicap spots.
• You drive your husband nuts with the phrase, “Wait! Let me go get the camera!” wanting to capture every moment of quality family time, knowing that in the grand scheme of things, THIS IS WHAT WE WILL TREASURE FOREVER.
• You have come to terms with the fact that “child-proofing” your home is somewhat pointless because nothing can thwart or outwit a determined 2-year-old.
• The interior of your car reeks of coffee, crushed Cheerios, stale French fries, and … what is that?
• Amazon.com and online shopping, in general, is your new best friend.
• Stroller—or even worse, double stroller—in tow, you can now empathize with the fact that most places are NOT as “handicap accessible” as they claim to be.
• The baby swing in your home is almost, if not the most, important device in you home (next to your Keurig, of course).
• You now purchase your children’s clothing based not on its cuteness, but for its ease of diapering. (Seriously, who ever thought that it was a good idea to put a row of buttons in the crotch of a romper?)
• Despite how much you shake your head and curse at the train wrecks of “16 and Pregnant”, you find yourself misty watching the delivery scenes and flat out bawl during the episodes in which they choose adoption.
• Thanks to late night feedings, you know what they try to sell you on TV. Due to sleep-deprivation, you now actually contemplate purchasing the product.
• Dinner is now considered “Mealtime at the Zoo”.
• If you are all fed, dressed, and out of the house by noontime, it is a good day.
• The holidays have truly taken on a deeper, more magical meaning, but you still abuse the concept of Santa for behavior modification.
• You have 8 “To Do” lists going on at one time. You lose the lists, and then find them only to cross-reference them and learn that they don’t even match up.
• “Multitasking" is your perfected art form and you can do almost anything one-handed. (Today I cut up Caiden’s lunch while nursing Ryan. Standing up. True story.)
• You’ve been in the car or out in public and had that moment of panic in which you ask yourself, “Wait! Did I put on deodorant today?”
• Modesty about the appearance of your body and any of its functions went out the door the second you gave birth to your firstborn.
• You’ve secretly worn maternity clothes—including pregger underwear—even when you weren’t gestating just because you know how freakin’ comfortable they are.
• You no longer care if your toddler only eats peanut butter & jelly sandwiches or slices of Land o’ Lakes cheese every day just as long as he is eating something.
• You celebrate the utterance of every new word added to your child’s vocabulary even if you are the only one who can understand it. (Example: “Cha cha doh-na” is the equivalent to “chocolate donut” in “Caidenese”.)
• You sound like your mother more than ever.