This week many friends in my Facebook feed, however, linked an article from The Huffington Post that I am, sincerely, so happy I took the time to read. In Moms, Put on That Swimsuit, author Jessica N. Turner broaches the topic that no mom really wants to entertain. Shopping for a swimsuit is traumatic enough. Wearing it under your beach coverup while sitting poolside is still a test for one's summertime insecurities. But to wear it out. Like, IN PUBLIC?!?! IN FRONT OF PEOPLE?!?!? AND GET WET IN IT?!?! AND ACTUALLY ENJOY YOURSELF IN IT?!?!
This truth has especially been the case for me this summer as it looks as though I have been smuggling my kids' beachball into my swimwear as their kid brother finishes developing within the walls of my thick tummy, under my flabby arms, and above my thighs that think "GAP" is simply a brand of clothing I usually cover them up with.
With Baby #3 due the same week that our family usually departs for our traditional Cape Cod vacation, Dan and I decided on "buying in" to a local "beach club" (pond) this year (in lieu of travel). It's been a fantastic investment thus far and June isn't even over yet! Many mornings we have awaken, grabbed breakfast, packed a picnic lunch and arrive there to splash and sunbathe before the afternoon newscast airs. The boys love the ability to play with their friends for hours upon hours on end, the location is a mere 10 minutes down the road from our home, there are lifeguards to keep a watchful eye over everyone, plenty of things to do to keep the kids entertained (fishing, sand toys, etc.), and did I mention public bathrooms within waddling distance? (With 2 weeks left until my due date, that there is worth the price of admission alone!) As the boys have been exploring the shoreline examining snails and small fishes day in and day out, I have maintained my "post"on the sidelines with all my other Mommy Friends-- each of us seated neatly in a row of Adirondack chairs, sipping our iced coffees and enjoying each others' company, while enjoying the fact that our children are having a blast in the water right in front of us-- safely-- but not with us glued by their sides'.
But Ms. Turner rocked my world this week with her article and she was SO. INCREDIBLY. RIGHT. ON. And so, in a similar manner of reading about abused puppies and fiery car crashes, I accepted her "challenge" to not only "put on that swimsuit", but actually put it to good use. Life is too short, right? Well life with your kids being little is even shorter. What was surprising about this endeavor (and "endeavor" is NOT an over-exaggeration when describing the process of squeezing a 9-month pregnant woman into Spandex) was the almost INSTANTANEOUS repercussions it yielded. The boys we ready, dressed, and waiting for me in the kitchen prior to our departure and as soon as Caiden saw me in my suit (usually hidden under a maxi dress) he said, "Momma! What is that?!?!" I explained to him it was my bathing suit and instead of him pointing out how big my belly was, he simply gave me a GREAT BIG HUG and said, "I would LOVE to go swimming with you!!!" Perhaps it was an overabundance of pregnancy hormones coursing through my system or just the pure sincerity of his sentiments at the time , but it took my all not to burst into tears right then and there and feel a.) like this personal experiment was already totally worth it and b.) an overwhelming amount of "Mama Guilt" on every former situation in which I let my own personal anxieties trump the genuine, nonjudgmental joys of my children.
I spent the early portion of this afternoon on the sidelines as usual. (I am a woman who is always up for a challenge. Don't confuse that with a woman who is a glutton for punishment.) I needed to build up the courage to work my way into the water. The first major hurdle crossed was to remove my coverup which I did immediately. I then spent time talking to other Mommy Friends about The Huffington Post article. For those of us who read it, we all agreed on how wonderful it was and how hard on ourselves we are. Despite all of the mutual support and agreement around me about the overall message of the story, I still couldn't bring myself to make the move into the pond though. My inner dialogue sounded a lot like this: "Maybe after lunch." "The water is probably too cold." "There is not a single other adult in the water right now. I would simply look like a creeper if I were to go in." "The kids are perfectly content playing with their friends-- they don't need me."
As the day grew hotter and our time at the pond grew shorter, I knew that if I were to do this it had to be sooner rather than later. And then, like a woman possessed, I literally stood up and walked unto the water. To my knees. To my waist. And then up to my shoulders. NEWSFLASH: No one panicked. The lifeguards did not shut down the beach. "Save the Whales" was not deployed to pull me out. No one seemed to notice me at all.
Except my kids.
Caiden immediately spun around, his little blonde head bobbing up and down as he doggy-paddled his way over to me saying, "Mommy! What are you doing?!?!?" I casually responded, "Swimming." and he, in turn, sported the sweetest, happiest smile. Ryan was nearby on the dock and he, who is not one to go too deep into the water, quickly asked if he could jump into my arms and join us. I caught my little one and he giggled, giggled, giggled! The three of us swam together for quite some time and it was truly such a beautiful ending to a gorgeous, fun day. I wish that I could etch the memory of Ryan's proud face as he furiously kicked the water and chanted "I sim-nin' Mommy, I sim-nin!" or have recorded Caiden's boisterous chuckles when he told me "Momma, you need to come swimming more often. This is SO AWESOME!!!"
Thank you Jessica N. Turner for challenging me; For commanding me to "put on that swimsuit". Your wisdom not only inspired me, but changed me for the better. I can't erase my insecurities overnight, but I can certainly continue to rise above them and enjoy my kids in the way that they, simply, enjoy me.
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