I'm Happy

Seriously? It’s been a YEAR since I last posted?!?! The urge to sit down and write has never left me, but when it came down to actually undertaking the task—well, most days it just seemed overwhelming. I have other friends who blog consistently and I truly envy their dedication and abilities to type in between time spent at their full-time jobs and nursing their newborns. For me, I am such a perfectionist, writing truly becomes debilitating at times. I have received such positive feedback time and time again for things that I have posted either on this website or my social network of choice (Holla at ya, Facebook!), that when an idea comes to me to write about, I feel like I just can’t “blurb” it all out and put it out to "Press". I need to go back about 80 times to edit and rework it before finally publishing and, by then, the point seems moot. Throughout the past year, however, I have received so many compliments and cries of support with regard to this site that it only took the 28461354643rd person this afternoon at a birthday party to get these literary gears turning again (Holla at ya, Ericka M!). So, thank you everyone for all of your kind words of the past. I am a bit rusty. But you gotta start somewhere, right?

First off, I feel the need to do a “year in review”, after reading all of my former entries. I will keep it simple though. My life wasn't too exciting to begin with.... 1.) My 1 ½ -year-old is now a 2 ½ -year-old. Active and verbal and no longer a toddler, but a crazy-keep-me-on-my-toes little boy. Nonetheless, he is certainly the light of my life. 2.) Dan & I were officially hitched a year ago and will be celebrating our first anniversary a week from tomorrow. 3.) St. Lucia was a blast and resulted in a souvenir that will be living with us for at least the next 18 years. Baby Boy #2 is set to make his debut into the world about 6-weeks from now. (Holla at ya, Baby No-Name!) 4.) My masters degree was officially earned in December of 2010, yet remains unframed on top of my printer. Other than those things, life continues to be uneventful in the Manley-household. Unless you count the addition of a new bedroom set and changing up the landscaping of our backyard. Yea... that's what I thought.

So this is what has been on my mind lately and I am just going to put it out there risking the judgements from others that I am a bad, heartless mother: Having another kid is terrifying to me. It was one of those things that was “great in theory”, but I am now wrestling with how I am actually going to execute it. I know, I know, mothers have been doing it for eons and I know that I will be able to summon all of the same adoration for this second lil’ guy and I know that our ability to adapt to a family of four will be a challenge and a blessing all at the same time, but, again, it’s not a matter of “can & will”—it’s HOW. How am I going to balance my firstborn’s and my newborn’s schedules? How am I going to keep up with running this household efficiently? How am I going to love this baby as much as my first? How can I be everything to these children and a good wife? How am I going to maintain my own sanity in the process? Dan and I shared a conversation that basically went like this the other night:

D: “So, what are your feelings about this little guy coming soon?” (Insert a pat to my gargantuan midsection.)

L: “Oh, I have lots of feelings.” (Insert a gargantuan, girly rant about a variety of emotions ranging from excitement to nervousness, insecurities, and all of my supporting reasons as to why I am feeling those things. This takes a good 10-15 minutes.) “How about you? What are your feelings about this little guy coming soon?”

D: “I’m happy.” (Insert a gargantuan, deadpan stare from me here.)

Seriously?!?!? “I’m happy”?!?! That’s it?!?! No further explanation? No other thoughts beyond that? I wish it could be that simple for me, but perhaps that why Dan and I are good together. Because I can completely overanalyze everything and he can just take what’s in front of him and accept it for what it is. The whole age-old system of checks-and-balances: marital-style. While I entertain the “what-ifs” and “how-cans” of our life together, my husband has this way of completely trusting me with raising our children and believes, whole-heartedly, that I can do it well. His confidence in me is what keeps me going and helps me to realize that there will certainly be bumps in the road, but no matter what, I really will do anything and everything in my capacity to nurture our family and bring out the best in them. Lord knows that they truly bring out the best in me. And then, all in all when I think about it, it doesn’t even matter HOW I am going to be able to handle our growing family. What matters is that Dan is happy. And Caiden is happy. And, you know what? I, too, am happy. So very, very happy. And blessed.